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Introduction Hello everyone, it is so nice to be here. As you
know this is a most unusual workshop because today we are bringing into
our analytic world the “the battles of court.” So welcome to “Courts
Beware!”
Presenters
I am delighted to be here and would like to thank Diana Mercer and Tara
Fass for being our special guests. I thought what we would do is I will
start with presenting my material (work based on NB Couples (Impossible
Couples). Describe the Narcissist, the Borderline. Hopefully these
descriptions will help shape the kinds of interventions necessary to help
mediation process reach conflict resolution. Since this is about
narcissism I will start by introducing myself.
- About Myself
- About Diana Mercer
- About Tara Fass
As a psychotherapist and psychohistorian, let me begin by telling you
about my first “Impossible Couple” oddly enough began with the
Arab-Israeli Conflict. I saw the interaction between Arabs and Jews as a
Narcissistic/Borderline relationship (not a real “couple” of course, but a
mythological/biblical couple or two oedipal rivals). So I started writing
articles that got published in the J. of Psychohistory.
- Parallels between Political and Marital Conflict
- The Dysfunctional Couple that Destroyed the Balkans
- Psychological Make-up of a SB.
So figured if I could understand Arabs and Jews why not other warring
and battling relationships like the couples I see in clinical practice. In
fact, I never could understand how and why people, couples, groups, let
alone nations, stay in painful, conflictual, destructive relations, that
is interactions that are painful, destructive, circular, on-going,
never-ending, go on and on round and round without ever reaching any
conflict resolution (like in the Middle East, even when peace is offered
it is rebuffed. We know as lawyers and therapists, that even when we offer
our “good” advise” these couples fail to take heed. So what is an
impossible couple? Tolstoy once remarked:
All happy families are alike and all unhappy families are each
unhappy in their own way.
But before we proceed, there is one point I would like to make. Just as
marital partners “think” they are battling over sex, money, custody
(external events), the disputes are really over betrayal, entitlement,
abandonment, self identity, envy, jealousy. Similarly contention the
Middle East is not really over land or occupied territories moreover they
are around such issues as shame/blame, saving face, betrayal, dependency,
entitlement, domination/control, boundaries, envy and oedipal rivals. We
all have a universal need to master over our Oedipal rivals (relational or
political) and to preserve our self or group identify, but sometimes this
becomes more pervasive than life itself.
So, welcome to “Impossible Couples!” This is confusing because there
are many types of impossible couples; abusive couples, dysfunctional
couples, cross-cultural couples, interracial couples, blended couples,
gay/hetero couples, but their fundamental dynamics share many common
denominators. In my first book, The Narcissistic/Borderline Couple, I have
ventured to go beyond Narcissistic/Borderline Couples (2nd Edition) to
encompass a variety of different kinds of dyadic configurations. For
example, what happens when a histrionic personality hooks up with an
obsessive-compulsive, a narcissist with a borderline, or a dependent with
a schizoid. Today, I will describe these various disorders and hopefully
will give you a sense how each one requires different therapeutic (or
legal) responses.
Defining Mediation
Where do mediation and PA meet? PA probes at a deeper level where
reasonable and rational ideas/suggestions do not result in working toward
a goal. Psychoanalysis probes deeper level breaking through the delusions,
resistances and defenses to help reach a workable resolution.
Defining a Narcissistic/Borderline Couple
A narcissist and the borderline enter into a psychological "dance"
which consciously or unconsciously stirs up highly charged feelings that
rekindle early unresolved conflicts in the other. The revelation is that
each partner needs the other to play out his or her own personal
relational drama as they project some unwanted or disavowed part of
themselves into the other. But together they play out a drama I refer to
as “the dance.” People often ask how they find each other, but how they
find each other is not what is important, moreover, it is what it is the
glue that keeps them together is. Who knows? Maybe they have some kind of
a sonar system and sniff each other out like a bloodhound to a rabbit.
Why Do Couples Stay in Painful Conflictual Relations?
Why it is that even after a divorce separation these individuals
maintain a bond, needless to say a destructive one? Are they crazy,
perverse, sadomasochistic? There are those individuals who cannot feel a
semblance of aliveness unless they are fused in a dysfunctional
destructive attachment?
When I mutilate myself or burn myself with a cigarette, drugs, alcohol,
abuse, at least I know I'm alive, I exist! I feel a sense of aliveness
instead of deadness. Anything is better the black hole, the void or the
emptiness.
- Pain stirs up an amalgam of unresolved infantile issues.
- Pain becomes highly eroticized/sexualized.
- People who have had traumatic experience are programmed to bond with
a painful internal object (the internal abuser, the internal betrayer
- Pain is familiar.
- Pain is confusing. The lover who can be cruel and sadistic can also
be loving and kind (creates ambivalence).
- It is better to bond with pain then to have to face the void, the
black hole, the emptiness.
Through repetition the delusion is if they “repeat” the old injuries
and hurts again and again, act as victims they will be loved (ironically
it is the opposite; they become perfect targets for the other person’s
aggression and negative projections, and attacks).
Defining the Impossible Couple
These are two personality types whose goals, desires and aims are NOT
to maintain an intimate relationship. What dominates is NOT the love or
the intimacy, but their defense mechanisms (envy, jealousy, shame/blame,
control, domination, splitting, projective, projective identification).
These are two people who live within their own inner world totally removed
from any semblance of reality. Within these beleaguered relationships are
two developmentally arrested people who coerce each other into playing out
certain roles as they stir up old archaic injuries as they identify or
over identify with each others negative projections. What makes a couples
impossible is that even when you give them they want they don’t “want it!”
I (the borderline) am the helpless victim and you are the bad depriving
mommy narcissist who has betrayed and abandoned me, now I will get even
with you locked into a courtroom, trap you there forever (accuse you of
anything I can think of).
Together they repeat the same traumatic experience again and again
without ever learning from experience. The most pervasive feature is that
they are more bonded to the pain to the pleasure. For example, one might
divorce the alcoholic only to marry the gambler, divorce the gambler only
to marry the abuser. It is always baffling why people will
sabotage/sacrifice themselves, their families, their children, just when
they are at the pinnacle of success?
The Narcissist
The narcissist is the entitlement lover, the special child of God (also
known as “His Majesty the Narcissist”). You know when you are around one
because all they talk about is themselves. They have a grandiose and
exaggerated sense of self, are overly preoccupied with self. They believe
the world owes them something, have excessive entitlement fantasies (want
the entire visitation, the house, all the money, all the furniture), and
when their personal sense of pride has been threatened will respond with
narcissistic rage. They value such things as fame, physical beauty,
wealth, material possessions, and power. Typically they were mother’s
special child until their kingdom was usurped by another sibling. This is
called the traumatic archaic injury. He will then spend the rest of his
life living a kind of “narcissistic nostalgia” yearning to go back to the
time when mommy and baby were one in total symbiotic bliss harmony).
Narcissists cannot tolerate having needs and unwittingly project this
intolerance into the other, and because of the inability to feel or show
dependency needs will persecute the one who is “needy.”
It is you that is the needy one, me I don’t need anything, I don’t
need you! I don’t need this treatment, and I certainly don’t need a
lawyer!
The narcissist cannot allow themselves the kind of dependency an
intimate partner yearns for, because it makes them feel too vulnerable
less than perfect, powerless and helpless.
"I am as perfect mother wants me to be”
In treatment narcissists are the ones who will quickly flee when
personally injured when not mirrored or appreciated, or when their
excessive demands are not met (changing appointment times, asking for
special favors, coming in only when it suitable for them).
What Makes a Partner Choose the Narcissist?
Narcissists usually join up with borderline women, those who have a
defective sense of self. Those who feel unworthy, do not feel entitled, do
not feel deserving, and are often seduced by the narcissist’s omnipotent
and grandiose qualities. Borderlines women are often mesmerized and
idealize these men, deluding themselves into thinking that the narcissist
is “everything” and that they are “nothing” (Marilyn Monroe and Arthur
Miller/Joe DiMaggio). Often these women (or men) attach themselves to the
unavailable man.
The Borderline
Typically borderlines are the ones who suffer from severe abandonment
anxiety, usually by parents who were absent, emotionally or physically
unavailable (alcoholic parents, abusive parents). Frequently, they
perpetuate the cycle by staying in abusive or addictive relationships
enacting the role victim (bonding via pain either self inflicted or other
inflicted). Borderlines live in a constant state of terror, remaining
forever loyal to lost mothers, fathers, and neglectful caretakers. They
bond with their partners through pain, and their inability to face flaws
keeps them from learning from experience. They are the victims, the
scapegoats, and when betrayed will spend the rest of their lives getting
back, getting even, even at the expense of self and others. This makes
them easy prey to the seduction of narcissists, who thrive on power and
success. In order not to feel abandoned, borderlines have developed an
exquisite false self, (the self that belies the "true self’). At first
they can be very alluring, charming, and seductive. Often they are the Don
Juan’s, those who operate by persona so persuasive they can fool even the
most seasoned therapist. In conjoint treatment, therapists often get
sucked/duped into unwavering persuasion and by their seductive lures,
making it difficult to keep reality straight.
You are the most beautiful woman or man (or therapist) in the world
- the most perfect and most special.
When I first met him, he was so charming. He seemed so sincere. He
made me feel as though I was the most beautiful woman in the world. He
would call me five and six times a day just to tell me he loves me.
Shortly thereafter I was in a bistro for lunch, and there he was
drinking/toasting with another woman,, kissing— just as he did with me. I
couldn’t believe my eyes!
Borderlines choose a Narcissist
Borderlines choose a narcissist, someone they envy and wish they could
be like, and because they envy them they just destroy that which is (their
sense of power and entitlement). In order not to feel abandonment they
promise the world, but because of their lack of impulse control cannot
follow through.
“I’ll do anything, just don’t abandon me!”
Courts Beware!
Borderline personality types are the ones who tie up the court system
use pain as a means of getting people sorry for them (psychosomatic
illness, additions, suicidal ideation, form masochistic or sadomasochistic
attachments (self mutilation, drugs, alcohol). As bad as the pain it is
still better than having to face the meaninglessness, the dread or the
abyss!
Unlike the narcissist, borderlines do allow themselves to be dependent,
but then feel persecuted by their dependency needs. Because the borderline
feels their needs are bad and dangerous, they form parasitic attachments
through, seduction, manipulation, victimization and pain. And when the
therapist finally gets the borderline to express their healthy needs,
guess what happens? The narcissist attacks.
There you go again, nag, nag, nag!
So, as the narcissist is busy trying to prove a "special" sense of
existence, the borderline is trying to prove they exist as a "thing in
itself.”
Like Goethe once said, it is difficult to know what to do,
especially when so much blaming and attacking is going on!
The Dance the Bond the Drama
In the dance the first dynamic that occurs is the introjective /
projective process as each one projects some negative aspect into the
other and how the other tends to identify or over identify with that which
is being projected. The second dynamic that occurs is the dance between
guilt and shame. As the borderline attacks, the narcissist withdrawals, as
the narcissists withdraws, the borderline attacks even more. After each
attack/withdrawal cycle, the narcissist returns to the borderline not so
much out of love as out of guilt, while the borderline returns not out of
love but out of shame and fear of being abandoned. Thus it becomes a dance
between guilt and shame, a never-ending saga.
You (borderline) should be ashamed of yourself for being so needy!
When you're so needy, I feel guilty!"
Not only is there a dance between the couple, but there is also a dance
between their Psychodynamics:
- Guilt/shame
- Envy/jealousy
- Blame/shame/retaliation
- Dependency/omnipotence
- Withdrawal/detachment and attachment
Passive Aggressive (within borderline domain)
There is nothing worse than being married to a passive aggressive. The
passive-aggressive is one of the most difficult persons to live with, for
he is always trying to recreate the parent/child dyad. Passive-aggressives
are the couch husbands, the forgetful ones, often have a barrage of
excuses. "I'll do it later, I'll do it tomorrow, the car broke down, I
forgot, I lost the keys/the checkbook, I couldn't go to the market, the
store was closed, I couldn't do the taxes because I lost the tax return.”
The more he forgets, delays, cajoles, the angrier she gets. The angrier
she gets the more attacked and persecuted he feels. In the most insidious
way the passive aggressive coerces his partner into the role of the being
the bad and punitive parent.
I’m really the good little husband and you are the bad, attacking mommy
always finding fault with me.
Together they repeat the same patterns again and again. Passive-aggressives
cannot express their rage directly, but so in the most obsequious way.
Eventually, the caretaker begins to feel very used, abused and misused.
Why can't I be with a man who will take care of me? As a child I had
to care for nine children. Now I have this baby husband to care for.
Who Chooses a Passive-Aggressive?
Women who choose passive-aggressive are often caretaker types,
“parentified children, little adults who grew up much too early and much
too soon. These are often obsessive-compulsive women, very structured and
organized heads of big companies, overly responsible. They make a perfect
fit, for the passive aggressive who exactly how to play out his infantile
role. Similar to borderlines, passive-aggressives are very seductive and
manipulative. They know exactly how to act like helpless little children
so they can coerce their partner into relieving them of their grown-up
responsibilities. This role is very familiar territory for the caretaker
partner, who has been taught to enact the role of responsible adult her
entire life.
The Obsessive-Compulsive
The obsessive-compulsive is the one obsessed with orderliness,
cleanliness, perfectionism. Of all the disorders, the obsessive-compulsive
is probably the most productive, has a more integrated ego, better
tolerance for anxiety, and can exercise better control over his impulses.
Even though he may be harsh and strict, he basically has a concern for his
family and others (at least he makes a good living). He is void of
feelings, a workaholic, and invariably puts his partner down for having
emotional needs or desires. He is pre-programmed to withhold,, always
putting work first. He keeps his partner on hold/ waiting, never having
enough time. Under the guise of efficiency or "the good cause," he can act
out his anal aggression, will forever he find justification to work and
work and work. They are the pack rats, the horders, the clutterers (can't
throw anything away).
Who Chooses an Obsessive-Compulsive?
Often histrionic women hook up with obsessive-compulsive men. Each OC
needs a histrionic and each histrionic need an OC. Because of the
histrionics’ chaotic life and exhibitionistic and seductive qualities, she
makes a perfect match for someone who is anal and compulsive. In the dance
the OC withholds, the histrionic becomes more and more needy and
hysterical. As she demands, he become even more becomes anal, more orderly
and compulsive, and she more hysterical. As she screams he cleans. For him
her emotions become a big dirty mess that he cannot control.
Obsessive-compulsives keep their mates endlessly frustrated by withholding
money, sex, time, attention, emotional support, as they project their
needy or "dirty" parts onto their partners.
It is you who is the dirty one with all your dirty emotions, not me.
I am perfectly orderly and clean just look at my files.
The Schizoid
The schizoid abuser is very detached, aloof and shows little or no
emotions. They are pre-programmed to fear intimacy and often feels
suffocated by intimacy.
Women's vaginas are felt to be dangerous and threatening. Can be sexual
but when confronted with intimacy, often want to run, to withdraw/detach,
for they cannot maintain an intimate bond. Women are often shocked or
stunned when, without warning or notice, the schizoid will suddenly flee.
In the midst of lovemaking, for example, or even before penetration, might
abruptly pull away and run.
Gee, we were having such a good time, and suddenly I never heard
from him again (misogynist men, men who are commitment phobic).
Who Chooses a Schizoid?
The woman who chooses the schizoid is usually a dependent or histrionic
personality; often women who are in search for the unavailable man object
(always object seeking but never object finding). These are women who have
been abandoned often by their fathers and have learned to lure men through
her seductive powers. She is attracted to the schizoid because he stirs up
her abandonment anxiety which she tries to assuage through her hysteria.
Impossible couples express their pain by repeating blindly their
dysfunctional behaviors without learning or profiting from their
experience. I have tried to explain how partners in these beleaguered
relationships are in complicity with one another as they go through their
psychological "dance" bonding to the “Mother of Pain.” Couple therapy is
an experience that occurs among three persons. It is a deep emotional
experience of intense communication and feelings that begins with the
profound challenges of a primitive relationship and matures into the
awareness of healthy dependency needs and mutual respect. Whether it is in
the court room or consult room with each session, the each session the
curtain opens, and the opportunity for a new experience begins.
Questions and Answers
I will be available for questions, comments. Please let me know if you
would like reprints. Also I run a group, a supervision group, consult with
people in the legal profession offering consultation services to attorneys
(when stuck/impasse when a client, no movement). My area of specialty
working with couples would be more than happy to consult with you, so
please feel free to call. Please see me afterwards should you be
interested.
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